


If we looked at the moon

by eukkyun



Series: Self-hate to the max [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Hurt, I tried to make you hurt, M/M, Mentioned Chae Hyungwon, Mentioned Im Changkyun | I.M, Mentioned Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Mentioned Son Hyunwoo | Shownu, Or not, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Post-Break Up, Sad, but still this is bad, i don't know where im going with this, im sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:14:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26259973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eukkyun/pseuds/eukkyun
Summary: Some people prefer to appreciate the suns beauty in its sunset and sunrise, others prefer to look at the moon and its sweetness.Some people have different ideas, walk different paths, have different expectations of life, and if one is looking at the sun while the other is looking at the moon. If they are looking in different directions, Are they really made for each other? Or should they stay apart?"So, he looked at the last hint of light before the night came and thought about how Wonho’s love for him was as lasting as the beautiful view of the oranges and yellows before darkness reclaimed Earth. " —Extract
Relationships: Lee Hoseok | Wonho/Lee Jooheon
Series: Self-hate to the max [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1970188
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	If we looked at the moon

**Author's Note:**

> This work has been posted without third revision, mainly because my word didn't save the last version I wrote, so there would be some changes, but I want to post this FINALLY AND GET THIS OVER WITH

Jooheon was in the bathroom where he had spent almost an hour. Preparations needed their time. He showered, he washed his teeth (thrice) he shaved his legs (and waxed other parts). He cleaned his face from any oils on his skin and applied some makeup, just slightly, it was the first time he painted his lips and tried to put on some eye shadow, (it didn’t work out so he just went with his bare face and his glasses,) he thought he looked cute on them and hoped his boyfriend thought the same. He wore only his boxers and a large sweatshirt he took from his boyfriends’ closet. It was gigantic compared to himself, it wasn’t like he was small, but of course, his boyfriend was larger, if it was even possible, with all those muscles and football field long back. 

He looked at himself in the mirror one last time, put the hood of the white sweatshirt on and tried to look as cute as he could. It was the first time he would have the courage to do this, wearing only a hoodie and his underwear in front of his boyfriend. Just how he had asked plenty of times during their trip, but he never getting Jooheon to agree. 

He exhaled and walked out of the bathroom, got up on the bed, sat on his knees slightly spread apart, his butt on the mattress between his feet. He really tried to look as cute as he could, and he hoped it did the job. 

Wonho looked at him from the other side of the bed, next to the window, taking his eyes off the phone in his hands. Jooheon smiled happily looking at his boyfriend check him out. Though Wonho didn’t smile as he expected, only looked at him up and down with a frown, not even surprised that Jooheon had finally given in and wore one of his hoodies without almost anything underneath. 

The smile on Jooheon’s lips faltered as he kept on looking at the other expressions. At one point he put his hands between his legs and tried to cover as much skin as he could. Maybe this wasn’t that great of an idea. Maybe Wonho didn’t like it (Jooheon’s insecurities didn’t like it either), he felt more self-conscious about what he was doing, and how bad it felt, he felt exposed, his big thighs picking underneath the hem of the sweatshirt. His tummy didn’t show as the clothes were too big but still, he felt as if Wonho could see that he wasn’t all abs under the white clothes.

Wonho repositioned himself, sitting in front of his boyfriend, who now was blushing and trying to cover. He didn’t feel anything special towards that image in front of him. Just a normal boy, with a normal figure, so normal, nothing special about him. Jooheon looking at him shyly. 

“Jooheon, I need to tell you something” Jooheon’s blush grew. In movies, people only say that when they have bad news. But what bad news could Wonho give him? He waited expectantly for the other to talk. 

“Since we’ve been here, I have been thinking about some things” Wonho started with a monotonous tone in his voice. “We’ve been together for some time now, right?” Jooheon’s heart beat faster. Could Wonho be trying to propose to him? They had been together for a few months now. But this was the first time they got to spend time together in person, as they had met only and through some common friends.

Jooheon forgot about the idea of proposing, how could they engage after a distant relationship and two or three meetings in real life. Impossible. 

“Look,” he resumed talking, “I think we don’t match up together. I thought we did, but it seems like we don’t," Wonho tried to come with the right words, as Jooheon looked at him "I actually don’t like you, it’s not personal or anything,” he started getting nervous and it showed in his voice, Jooheon was also nervous, the bomb was being dropped directly into his heart “it is just like, I don’t like you enough to keep up with… not keep up" Jooheon looked and looked, trying to see in Wonho's features that he was lying, that he didn't mean what he was saying, and much less what he was about to say" NO, yes, I can’t keep up with that personality of yours, how you are, how you talk, even right now, I don’t think I..like you” Jooheon’s heart was already giving up on beating thinking about the expectations of what could Wonho be wanting to tell with so many spirals on its way to say that. When he finished the sentence, only a sign of relief coming to Wonho's face. 

“and in a… Friendly way?” Jooheon questioned swallowing his pride and his pain. Maybe there existed something he could save from that bold statement of not-love. Maybe Wonho wanted to be just friends, and they wouldn’t have to get away from each other, more when they were staying at a hotel in the middle of Japan, and if Wonho wanted to get away from him there was no place where he could stay. 

“I don’t think I can be your friend, it would be weird, wouldn’t it? It would be for me.” He said looking apologetic, he didn’t have to be, he was expressing his feelings, there was no reason to be sorry about what he was feeling. 

“I- I understand, if you are feeling like this I cannot try and change it, I guess” Jooheon’s voice was defeated. 

He at first thought it was better if he didn’t say anything. If he just looked at Wonho and cried silently, his tears telling the person he loved everything he felt about the confession. But no, he didn’t want Wonho to feel sorry about expressing how he felt towards the younger, Jooheon was that type of person that got on their heads and didn’t fight the obstacles in life, letting him beat him to death. His heart was starting to break like an old ceramic vase that slipped through his fingers onto the floor. 

“I lov-.” No Jooheon couldn’t say that to Wonho after that. He couldn’t say _‘I love you, and that’s what matters, I would do anything for you to be happy, even if that means not being with you anymore”_. Because it looked cheesy and desperate, which he was, but what could he do? Beg? cry? hug him until he told him he loved him back? 

“I guess this is our last night here,” Jooheon said instead. Wonho made a weird face. 

“Actually…” he scratched his nape. “I would prefer if you would get going now” 

Now? As in now _now_? 

“Now…” Jooheon whispered. 

Remember he thought Wonho would run away? Nothing to do with the reality he was facing. His lov… his ex-lover was throwing him out of the room they shared in the middle of a minuscule town in Japan, where he didn’t almost know how to communicate and where there was only one hotel to stay in, the one they were in at the moment, and they almost didn’t get a room for them, they were full. Where would he stay? 

“Can’t I stay the night? Tomorrow I could take a taxi or a bus and go home, but now is too late, it’s almost night!” Jooheon almost cried. 

“Please, don’t make this harder for the both of us” Wonho was stupid, stupid in his decisions, and he thought that he could put the blame on Jooheon. But what blames? there was nothing to blame him for, but he did anyway, make him think that he was uncomfortable being in the same room with him after they shared a bed the whole week. Making Jooheon think that he wasn’t worthy of his company, that Wonho was so disgusted by him that he had to kick him out.

Jooheon felt utterly betrayed, his heartbreaking a little bit more as he got into his feet feeling embarrassed wearing those clothes. He couldn’t even look at Wonho as he took the hem of the hoodie on his fist pulling downwards trying to hide his skin, his body, the one Wonho hated. He took some of his clothes from the closet and with his most ashamed self, he got into the bathroom. His boyfriend ditched him, while he was almost naked for the first time in front of him. Rage burnt inside of his chest, but at the same time he was sad, the most lamentable he could be because he thought that he loved the one person in earth that loved him back, not a simple crush that he wouldn’t even talk to. He was wrong, as many people in this world, he fell for someone who didn’t love him back, but with the bonus of the person had been his boyfriend for almost three months. 

He changed into his own clothes in the bathroom, more scared than ever to change in front of the other. He took the makeup bag he left there, then went outside, and under the dark look Wonho had on him, took the rest of his personal belongings to put them on his suitcase. He left the Hoodie resting perfectly folded on his side of the bed. Gave Wonho one last sad look, hoping the other changed his opinion, that the older looked out the window into the cold almost night and thought that Jooheon had to stay with him, even if it was one last night only. Jooheon was even willing to sleep on the floor if it meant staying. 

He could have worded it, actually open his mouth and beg Wonho to stay, he surely would say yes, how could he be so horrible to tell him to leave, they had known each other for almost a year, maybe not in person, but they knew each other. Wonho wasn’t a bad person at all. Or so he thought, as he locked eyes with the older and the only thing he received was a movement of Wonho’s eyes towards him and then the door, inviting him to leave. 

“I’m sorry, but I need you to leave” Wonho said, as Jooheon didn’t move. 

That was enough, Jooheon tore apart on his insides and moved slowly towards the entrance of the room. Hoping every single second that Wonho thought about what he was doing and retracted himself. Unless...Was he waiting for the little kid that Jooheon was in his mind, now, to talk back, call bullshit and lay on the bed saying he gave two fucks about what Wonho wanted and stayed? That wasn’t Jooheon at all, and less in a situation like that, where he felt small and defenceless, a vulnerable lost kid that couldn’t find his way home. 

He opened the door and left with everything that he had there. 

The sun was starting to set outside the walls of the hotel room in the middle of nowhere. Wonho looked at the sunset waiting for the day to end, for everything he did and said through the day to become permanent. For another day to start when the sun raised again. 

People don't understand how mathematical possibilities work. It’s a rare chance that you love someone the same way they love you at the same time. 

Sometimes you are looking in different directions. One looks at the sunsets waiting for the days to end, and the other looks at the moon waiting for the nights to start. That’s why Jooheon looked at the sunset with his luggage beside him. Waiting for the sun to be gone, for the day to finish. So, everything that was done until then, was done forever. He looked at the brilliant lights on the sky remembering how much Wonho loves to watch the sunset in his house, while he preferred to look at the moon, the beautiful moon that could only see the backs of the people that appreciated the beautifulness of the sunsets and not her own beauty, that no one cared about until the sun was gone. But Jooheon loved the moon every single moment, and whenever he could see her, he would smile, and when he couldn’t he looked for her. He loved the moon just how he loved Wonho, always beside him, protecting him in the dark nights giving him the light he missed from the day. But Wonho’s love was like a new moon, a moon that left him in complete darkness, in the night full of his own monsters. 

So, he looked at the last hint of light before the night came and thought about how Wonho’s love for him was as lasting as the beautiful view of the oranges and yellows before darkness reclaimed Earth. 

He looked back at the path he had traced, tears marking the way from the room he shared with Wonho, to the bench in a dark abandoned square he was sitting at the moment, after walking without a direction. It was still early on the night just starting, still he didn’t know what to do, or where he could go after asking if there were vacant rooms at the hotel and receiving a sad no as an answer. He was praying that if he stayed sitting there long enough Wonho would come running to him saying that he regretted what he said. That he loved him... at this point a simple “it was wrong of me of telling you to leave” or “You can stay until the first bus leaves” was okay with him. Just something that meant staying, staying nearby his loved. But it never happened. 

There Jooheon was, looking at the papers he had to correct from his students, after days of self-deprecation, spending his youth just how he liked it, hating himself, and crying to sleep. 

It had been a week since he got back from his trip to Japan. Wonho didn’t contact him, nor did any of their common friends. When he asked if they wanted to talk over Skype no one answered his messages and he felt stupid. Maybe they weren’t his friends but Wonho’s, and after breaking any kind of social relationship they had his friends didn’t want to have anything to do with Jooheon. 

It felt weird, because even when those thoughts were filling up his mind he didn’t think that people as Hyunwoo or Hyungwon would ever be capable of doing something like that to someone. They were also Jooheon’s friends, even if they first were only Wonho’s. Just as Changkyun was Wonho’s friend even when he was Jooheon’s best friend. 

Anyways he felt as if any kind of friend he had back in Korea had disappeared, still, he had his Australian friends, some other teachers from the school or people he got to know along the way, but it didn’t feel the same as those who he had known from before. 

Then one day it was Friday, ad he only had to work in the morning, letting him get back home early after finishing his last class with the kids. On the way back he went by a grocery store and dreamt about slipping onto his pyjama's trousers and watch a movie, eat some ramen, just a normal day. If he concealed his thoughts to keep on the present and not going back over what did he wrong, but they did. 

He sat in front of the tv on his living room with hot ramen on the table, a movie playing as background noise as he hugged a cushion and thought about that night, as a scene playing on repeat.

. 

_It was my fault_ , was everything that he could think of after wandering in his mind again that night. Wonho probably was overwhelmed by Jooheon’s personality, maybe he thought that the younger was too needy, all day long asking for his attention, for his _affection._ He was needy, that he knew, but he thought that Wonho liked that, that he didn’t mind taking him as he was. Was it his body? He wasn’t as built as the older, but it didn’t mean that he was any less attractive. Jooheon was self-conscious about his body, very self-conscious, he didn’t like the way he looked, he wasn’t in peace with the fact that he had strong big thighs and a round babyface. And Wonho had told him that he had also many problems accepting his body, that was one of the reasons why he was always at the gym, the other had said. Even if Wonho had told him to love himself it didn’t mean that Wonho didn’t want someone like himself, a built lover of gyms person. Scratch that, Wonho may have liked his body, maybe it was how vulnerable he was, that he didn’t rise his voice once. That didn’t want to fight, that was always passively living, without anything special to give, not even a strong personality. He was so confused, again, as every night he thought about it. 

With teary eyes, looking at his reflection on the screen whenever it went blank, he was miserable, but a boy who was simply not in love with him, and in other fucking continent wasn’t going to make Jooheon lose his sanity, nor his friends, or his normal routine. That night Jooheon told himself that he would stop thinking so low of himself, accept that the other didn’t have to feel how he felt about the older and start to live his life again, just how he lived before meeting him. 

Little did he know that even if the moon protected him because she loved him the same way he loved the moon, the sun had other plans for him, as he liked Wonho better, the Wonho that loved his beauty and was infatuated by it. Therefore, when the sun raised again one day as Jooheon went on with his life on that precious Saturday after some months. When the sun was setting a knock on the door disturbed the peace of his apartment. 

He went quickly to open the door, only to be greeted with dark eyes looking at his with the saddest look they ever had. Jooheon didn’t feel the pain he thought he would when seeing Wonho at his doorstep with two enormous suitcases behind him, looking with pleading eyes for him to let him get inside. 

“Can I help you?” He said watching the man standing before him.

“Can I come inside?” Wonho said trying to look as sorry as he was, but Jooheon looked at him as he was his neighbour asking for salt, familiar and friendly, but never as warm and welcoming as someone that loves you would. 

“For what?” Jooheon didn’t understand what he was doing there.

“Please?” He made those puppy eyes Jooheon had saw him wearing many times before, and, it had been a few months after their breakup, but he was still affected, and his heart beat relentless.

Jooheon moved to the side opening more the door and letting Wonho inside, helping him get his suitcases to the entrance where they wouldn’t be a bother. Wonho looked around with small eyes, then walked into the living room following Jooheon’s steps.

They were awkward, as they should. Jooheon looking serious and Wonho looking back at him with sad eyes.

“You tell me what you need, and then go” Jooheon said cleaning the coffee table to get distracted.

“I… can I stay with you a few days?” Wonho said in a whisper. Jooheon looked at him with wide eyes. His mind going crazy.

What the hell did he thought Jooheon was, a hotel? More even, he told him off, told him that he didn’t love him, he told him that he had to keep up him being his boyfriend, he slept on the fucking street in the middle of Japan because they were not going to be friends, and Wonho wanted him to leave, and now there he was, not even saying that he was sorry and he wanted him to give him a room to stay? Why the fuck was he in Australia in the first place?

“I’m sorry but I need you to leave” Jooheon said repeating the same words Wonho had directed at him a few months before.

Wonho looked at him as if he was bewildered by his words.

“I have nowhere to go here…” he said. Jooheon didn’t even know what he was doing outside his country, and less did he know the reasons why he came into his house. He had enough money to pay for a hotel, even for an apartment in the best building in the city.

“Neither did I when you kicked me out the hotel room” Jooheon spat, he was starting to lose his patience, he wanted the older out at that very moment.

“Are you angry at me?” Wonho asked perplexed.

“Doesn’t it show? Why would you be here? Why would you come to my house? And without asking beforehand nonetheless”

“I never saw you angry” Wonho was set on his topic of conversation, not hearing whatever Jooheon was telling him in the angriest voice he heard the younger use.

“There was no reason for me to be angry when I was with you” Jooheon was now grounding himself by making fists on his precious sofa that would end up destroyed if Wonho didn’t leave NOW.

Wonho lowered his head, and Jooheon finally saw something vulnerable in the other, how he didn’t sit as straight as before, maybe he was feeling guilty over what he did months ago, but it didn’t matter anymore, Jooheon had tried to move on from that, it didn’t help him to get stuck on loving someone that didn’t love him any bit, not even to stay as friends, claiming that it would be awkward.

“Please Wonho leave. There are many hotels around the city where you can rest, not my apartment” Jooheon sighted as he saw that the other wasn’t planning on talking.

Jooheon wasn’t an irritable person by nature, so he felt the anger leave him quickly. “Why are you here anyway? You could have told me, I could have look for a place for you to stay, even if we aren’t friends, if you are visiting, you know I am always happy to help a fellow Korean on their trips”

Wonho looked up and into his eyes, his mouth ajar as if he wanted to correct Jooheon, but would he?

“I came to see you. I want to take everything that I said back”

After he closed his mouth to take a breath, silence fell upon them. It was irreversible, he said it, and maybe Jooheon should kick him in the guts and throw out his luggage, screaming at him. But no, he only looked at the buff guy who was trying to look as small as possible. Wonho took this as a signal and continued talking.

“I thought about what I said, about what I did. I have no excuses, I made you leave almost in the middle of the night after I thought I sorted my feelings out, I thought that I didn’t like you because you were too clingy…” Jooheon frowned, and everything that went through Wonho’s mind was _fuck, fuck, fuck._ “I mean, it wasn’t that you were too clingy, or needy. I’m not saying that you are needy! I mean that, like… I thought that you weren’t my type I don’t know, I was expecting something else? No, no, not that, I don’t mean that you are not something amazing, I’m into buff guys you know? And you are like, you didn’t give me that sparkle that I needed? but it was just that I couldn’t really see the sparkle because I was looking at it in a different place than where it really was”

“Shut. Up” Jooheon had his eyes closed and was breathing through his mouth. “You see that trying to say sorry is easier if you say _sorry_ instead of telling me that I’m: too clingy, too needy, my body is wrong, that I didn’t turn you on, and that you found someone else?” One tear left Jooheon’s left eye. It hurt, fuck it hurt. Wonho was fucking stupid, and literary vomited hurtful words when he tried to say sorry, two words IM, SORRY, that’s all that would have been enough.

“I didn’t find someone else, there is no one, it’s been two months and I thought about what I said, and how I said it. If I was you, I would do the same you are doing, or even worse” Jooheon nodded, and that made Wonho more aware of the situation. “I now know that I like you, and want to spend time with you… I thought that coming to talk it out was the best, better than some messages from the other side of an entire ocean”

Was Wonho being considerate for once? Was he trying to make-up? Jooheon was not buying it, after months of being ignored by people he thought were his friends, hurting him so badly, he wasn't going to get back just with a no so apologetic-apology. Jooheon got up, he didn’t want to talk anymore, he walked to the door of the living room and looked at Wonho who was sitting on the sofa.

“I’ll prepare Felix room for you, there is ramen in the kitchen, do whatever you want,” He said and walked off to prepare his flatmate room and then get to his.

Wonho stayed for a bit sitting in the couch, waiting for the sound of Jooheon on the room next door stop and his door to close. Then he relaxed a bit. He looked around, he was in Jooheon’s private space, and for what it seemed also Felix’s, whoever Felix was.

He knew he didn’t fix anything. If he really wanted to undo his words, he had to try for at least some time, one night of heated argument on his ex-boyfriend’s apartment (where he only let him stay because he really had a heart that was too big for his chest) wasn’t going to do the job.


End file.
